Max Lucado is on point.

"It's hard to bear because not everyone understands your grief...As silently as a cloud slides between you and the afternoon sun, memories drift between you and joy, leaving you in a chilly shadow.  No warning.  No notice.  Just a whiff of the cologne he/she wore or a verse of a song that he/she loved, and you are saying goodbye all over again... Why won't the sorrow leave you alone?  Because you buried more than a person.  You buried some of yourself.  It's as if the human race resides on a huge trampoline.  The movements of one can be felt by all.  And the closer the relationship, the more profound the exit.  When someone you love dies, it affects you.  It affects your dreams."

the weather today was unbelievable...gloomy, sunny, pouring and thundering, sunny again, then cloudy again.  funny...that's how i felt everyday for the last three months.  i tell myself that only good will come out of this pain, but once light comes in, darkness takes over.  everything is a blurr and i can only see what i want to see.  nothing is real.  indifferent.  still broken.  i prayed for hours today at st. lucy's and ended up going to mass as well.  so God really pulled me in because the priest's homily spoke to me.  in a nutshell, it was that jesus is our one true friend who really doesnt ever fail you.  when you have that strong conviction and great belief in him, your relationship flourishes with him.  only until then can your other relationships flourish. im not saying that i've ever lost sight of God because i still had faith and i still did share a friendship with him, but i guess it wasnt as tight as He'd like it to be.  so now, He's nudging me saying "helllo!!!!!!!!!!!  seek me and i will give you rest."  maybe it was st. augustin who said "my heart will not rest until it rests in You."  okay...so i believe it.    ive said i wanted to go back home...to where things were okay, happy, pleasant, and filled with love and comfort.  i sought for it in the wrong place when all this time, it was only to be sought in Him.  now is the time to focus. i came out of st. lucy's, and the sun shone down so bright and it almost felt like God was really cradling me in His arms at that moment.  i turned on the radio, and i hear "though my heart is torn...i will praise You in the storm."  funny...

"for the sake of those you love, learn to set them free (bags/excess luggage) down.  and for the sake of the God you serve, do the same.  He wants to use you, you know? but how can He if you are exhausted? .... God has a great race for you to run.  under His care, you will go where you've never been and serve in ways you've never dreamed.  but you have to drop some stuff...there are certain weights in life you simply cannot carry.  your Lord is asking you to set them down and TRUST Him." -Traveling Light, Max Lucado

"my heart and my strength, many times they fail.  but there is one truth that always will prevail...God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.....forever." -exodus 15

i've had many sleepless nights in the last two months...and i can still seem so lost and indifferent.  but today, i have filled my mind with thoughts of the past when things were serene and enjoyable.  i havent been so deep in so long and life is beginning to reveal itself to me again.  in less than 48 hours, i will be 23.  am i afraid?  yes, definitely.  but i have to look forward to what the next year God is offering to me.  ive been flooded with the reality of the two edged sword of something i carry called hope.  it is definitely a beautiful thing to hold on to but it can also be a curse at the same time.  why?  maybe that hope was put in the wrong place.  love is the simplicity of loving every imperfection of someone or something that only makes him/her/it the more perfect.  this love...this hope...is God. 

"hope is the light that strikes that burns inside of me.  its the blinding light that somehow i can see....again...when ive lost my way.  it's becoming clear again..."

ohh..good times

"take my heart and wring it out in your hands and watch it all collapse.  take your love and drive it in...into my soul and never leave again.  'cause i am so afraid that i'll find myself alone...so don't leave me here alone.  all your hope and all my pride...all this time to watch it all collide when everyone seems to say 'you can work it out,' under my skin, im shaking and i cant get out...so dont leave me here...this is not what you said...it's all in my head...when i throw my anger at you instead...so dont give up on me.  i want to believe that you'll never leave me.  but i am so afraid..."

"ive never had to pray like this..it's all that i could do...to save me through the fear"